i think my tv is drunk
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
