that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
