I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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