Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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