Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
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do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
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I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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