the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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