im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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