I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
