this just has baby written all over it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
