i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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