Swine flu. Run for my life!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
