so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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