It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
