Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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