Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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