going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
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I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
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Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?