my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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