so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
