I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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