If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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