i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
