You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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