If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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