We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
