I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
