The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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