ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
