just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
