I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
