i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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