I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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