it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.