I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Can I color on your dick again?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
