So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
