Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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