Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
