I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
