He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
