I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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