just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
