Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
