I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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