someone threw a dead crab at me
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
