I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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