He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
