It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
