I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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