and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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