don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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