one two three fourrrrnication!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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