I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
