The maid of honor just puked.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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