I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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