if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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