If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
