girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
