youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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