OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
