why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
