you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
