Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
