My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
